It's time for a post about the ugliest handbags in the world. Last time I focused on one season of Coach bags, but this time I'm branching out. The best part about hideous handbags is that they usually cost a lot of money. They're new, they're expensive, and they're ALL UGLY!!!!!
GUESS has some amazing choices in the $75-150 range. They're continuing the Coach theme of the last couple of years: putting as much crap on one bag as possible. Gold accents, logo prints, chains, embellishments, and more. Why highlight one accent when you can add them all?
The Antoinette Dome Satchel features an ugly print, gold lamé trim, chains, O-rings, and a gigantic ridiculous hanging metal G. $82 at ebags.com - a bargain at twice the price!
Wow! Look at this one! The Corona Large Satchel in Gold ('natch!). It's got this awesome crumpled effect, like a paper bag you dug out of the trash, a braided grandma handle, and an enormous, gaudy Guess medallion. The best part? It's synthetic leather! HOT. $118.95.
Ahh...Staten Island circa 1986. The Moonwalk Large Tote in Silver is gigantic and boasts that chic quilted look on silver lamé with a gratuitous bunch of rivets, O-rings, buckles, and that fabulous and useless hanging G. $132.
Ostrich synthetic leather trim on blue tiger print with a giant wooden G. It's the Rum Jungle for $69.
What the fuck is this? Oh, it's the Scorpio Frame Flap in Emerald. $94.
I'm going to move away from Guess now, but trust me, that was the tip of the ugly iceberg.
Did you know that Betsey Johnson has a line of handbags called Betseyville? No? Well you were lucky.
This bag is called Born to Rock. I know that whenever I rock, I make sure to have a huge awful badge embroidered on me so that everyone knows I'm rocking. And some giant gold chains. That's how I rock. ROCK!!!!!!!!!!1 LIKE I WAS BORN TO!!!!!!!!!!!
Need a tote bag? Totes are handy. You can carry a lot of crap in them.
You can also pay $302 for this one by Hobo Int'l, but only if you're an idiot.
Hey, it's retro 80s disco! Remember how laughable that stuff was two years after the fact? Well, now everyone has forgotten. Did I find it at the Salvation Army in the shoe bin for 50 cents? Nope, I found it at Isabella Fiore's for $329.
You've seen all the metallic leather, but how about some metallic denim? And some weird knots on the handles. Stuart Weitzman Lana Slouch, $395.
Another stunner from Stuart Weitzman. Did you notice it's covered in sequins?
It is. And it's $400. Maybe you can use them to blind people so they won't have to look at your horrifying purse. It also has a chain instead of a handle. For some reason.
$420. NO.
Do you like it when a bunch of random shit hangs off your purse? Because a nice, suede bag can be made fantastic if you put grommets on it and hang cat toys off the bottom. Francesco Biasia has done it for you, $532.
I'm just going to type what they say: Faux Persion Lamb and Mesh. WHAT? $533 from Whiting & Davis.
A whimsical newspaper print and crocodile trim. How fun! For $624. How retarded.
Maybe you want to pretend you're off to prom. Here's a cute little satin heart bag. Kinda gay, but whatever, you're a princess for a day. Oh, but wait. It's TWELVE HUNDRED DOLLARS. To look like a 6 year old. I'm not even kidding. Get it from Moschino, if you've lost your mind.
And finally, Fendi.
Canvas and Wicker: not just for patio furniture anymore! Chains in the handles, of course. Gold everything. Wicker-wrapped over-sized buckles. $1,800.
Okay, that's all for today. If you'd like to purchase any of these wonderful bags, stop off at the local mental hospital first. Maybe they can help.
GUESS has some amazing choices in the $75-150 range. They're continuing the Coach theme of the last couple of years: putting as much crap on one bag as possible. Gold accents, logo prints, chains, embellishments, and more. Why highlight one accent when you can add them all?
The Antoinette Dome Satchel features an ugly print, gold lamé trim, chains, O-rings, and a gigantic ridiculous hanging metal G. $82 at ebags.com - a bargain at twice the price!
Wow! Look at this one! The Corona Large Satchel in Gold ('natch!). It's got this awesome crumpled effect, like a paper bag you dug out of the trash, a braided grandma handle, and an enormous, gaudy Guess medallion. The best part? It's synthetic leather! HOT. $118.95.
Ahh...Staten Island circa 1986. The Moonwalk Large Tote in Silver is gigantic and boasts that chic quilted look on silver lamé with a gratuitous bunch of rivets, O-rings, buckles, and that fabulous and useless hanging G. $132.
Ostrich synthetic leather trim on blue tiger print with a giant wooden G. It's the Rum Jungle for $69.
What the fuck is this? Oh, it's the Scorpio Frame Flap in Emerald. $94.
I'm going to move away from Guess now, but trust me, that was the tip of the ugly iceberg.
Did you know that Betsey Johnson has a line of handbags called Betseyville? No? Well you were lucky.
This bag is called Born to Rock. I know that whenever I rock, I make sure to have a huge awful badge embroidered on me so that everyone knows I'm rocking. And some giant gold chains. That's how I rock. ROCK!!!!!!!!!!1 LIKE I WAS BORN TO!!!!!!!!!!!
Need a tote bag? Totes are handy. You can carry a lot of crap in them.
You can also pay $302 for this one by Hobo Int'l, but only if you're an idiot.
Hey, it's retro 80s disco! Remember how laughable that stuff was two years after the fact? Well, now everyone has forgotten. Did I find it at the Salvation Army in the shoe bin for 50 cents? Nope, I found it at Isabella Fiore's for $329.
You've seen all the metallic leather, but how about some metallic denim? And some weird knots on the handles. Stuart Weitzman Lana Slouch, $395.
Another stunner from Stuart Weitzman. Did you notice it's covered in sequins?
It is. And it's $400. Maybe you can use them to blind people so they won't have to look at your horrifying purse. It also has a chain instead of a handle. For some reason.
$420. NO.
Do you like it when a bunch of random shit hangs off your purse? Because a nice, suede bag can be made fantastic if you put grommets on it and hang cat toys off the bottom. Francesco Biasia has done it for you, $532.
I'm just going to type what they say: Faux Persion Lamb and Mesh. WHAT? $533 from Whiting & Davis.
A whimsical newspaper print and crocodile trim. How fun! For $624. How retarded.
Maybe you want to pretend you're off to prom. Here's a cute little satin heart bag. Kinda gay, but whatever, you're a princess for a day. Oh, but wait. It's TWELVE HUNDRED DOLLARS. To look like a 6 year old. I'm not even kidding. Get it from Moschino, if you've lost your mind.
And finally, Fendi.
Canvas and Wicker: not just for patio furniture anymore! Chains in the handles, of course. Gold everything. Wicker-wrapped over-sized buckles. $1,800.
Okay, that's all for today. If you'd like to purchase any of these wonderful bags, stop off at the local mental hospital first. Maybe they can help.
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